I am a practicing Physician.
I am a doctor, who has always been preaching health & its principles to the society, schools, colleges & patients in general, for about a decade.
I am suffering from hypertension also.
And yet I would like to confess that I am a smoker.
As smoker, I have always shown a strong resistance and confrontation to the experiments for quitting.
It all started on a wonderful day of my results of second MBBS. The examination we took was a very tuff one. It was said that only 5 percent of the students cleared all the subjects. In those days, in mid eighties, the results used to be seen at any Newspaper office, on the day prior to the official results. I went to such an office of a Daily paper.
Throughout my medical education my roll number in the class used to be 13, however; my roll number for this examination was 14. There was A.T.K.T. system for the second MBBS and hence the classes for the third MBBS had begun. I was again accustomed to my usual lucky 13.
I went in side the newspaper office and asked for the result. I was provided with a photocopy of a typewritten result sheet. I searched for the number 13. It was not there in the list of passed student’s numbers. Crestfallen, dejected and gloomy; I climbed down the staircase and went to my bicycle. Suddenly I remembered that my exam number was 14………..! I climbed up in a Olympian athlete’s speed to the office again, requested the list, went again through the successful numbers and I did not believed my eyes……..number 14, my exam number was there amongst the booming numbers!
I again went hurriedly to the bicycle and ran to a friend’s house. He was alone. He said he did not pass. I was in ecstasy he was totally deflated. We went on the terrace of his home; he took out two cigarettes offered one to me and said, ‘let us celebrate your success!’ I accepted the evil, clad in the white paper. I agreed the offer, just to sympathize him. I vividly remember my act made with only intention, that he should not feel hurt.
Today, after almost thirty years, my friend has stopped smoking long back and I am still consuming packets after packets.
In all these years, my memory gives me the vibrant account of all my best moments and saccharine hours are associated with puffs of cigarette. I never smoked for the depression or gloom. Only other moments I may include were those of overwork and tiredness, which are off course out number happy happenings, now days.
I tried to avert smoking many times ditto to a famous quote by Mark Twain. The very first time, I remember, was when I got married. While going for the sacred visit to Jejuri, on the next day of the wedding, I admitted to her that I smoke. I also added that if she disdains it I would quit. To my bewilderment, she exclaimed that she would not mind and more over she added that she liked the smell of the cigarette smoke. After getting a clean chit, there was no stop no secret smoking like many of my friends, whose wives and progenies are still unaware of their vices, only because they do it surreptitiously. These gentlemen never buy their own packs, always borrow from their pals and do gargles their mouth and chew the mouth fresheners before going home. I never ever hide my weakness about smoking from my family or friends, not even from my parents. However; as a respect I never smoke in the presence of my parents or teachers or the people I revere.
Few years ago, I had a problem. I started getting palpitations after smoking. This used to occur even after inhaling the passive smoke of a passer bye on the road. I used to be symptom free if I did not smoke. After two days I began to get similar missed heart beats even after having tea, coffee, cold drinks even the popular government drink ‘Energy’. I underwent all the cardiac tests including stress test and 2-D echocardiography. Nothing was abnormal even in ECG. My physician cleverly decided to have a smoke and take an ECG. The missed beats appeared there with their ghastly ups and downs on the strip.
I immediately stopped the habit. I had to do a lot to control my concentration which used get haywire after feeling the urge to smoke. I started doing exercise, running, climbing the hill, yoga, meditation. All these workouts were going on for three months. I started feeling fresh, healthy & fit.
During this period there was a party from a hospital, for its first anniversary. I attended it. It was on a lush green lawn of a very trendy hotel. The music was going on, doctors dressed in formals were enjoying. Many of them, including I myself, came directly after their hard day schedule, some were busy in discussions about there new adventures, some were in the joke sessions with fizzling laughter. With such jolly and blissful decorum I was offered a cigarette. Engorged in a hot discussion on a current topic, I accepted it without any hesitation, unconsciously and without any conscience. After taking few puffs I realized that I am smoking and there are no palpitations!!
Again the destiny had cleared all the hindrances and I embarked on ceaseless sessions of my favorite play with fire. There after I tried to get released from this habit but with a big letdown each time. I became a confirmed addict.
I get severe cravings if I do not smoke for few hours. My temperament gets lost with all the sense of balanced behavior. My tongue becomes venomous and the voice with high pitch becomes mind piercing sword. In these frenzied & frantic moments, I have hurt many. My patients, my friends, colleagues and more often my family are amongst the worst sufferers. I have committed many illogical, vicious and destructive acts in my explosions during cravings. I have hurt people physically, demolished the precious things like a glassware set, which was collected with years of efforts by my wife. I have shattered a television set in my home. I repent a lot after such acts, but none the less it keeps on repeating.
I still remember the hell of a time when I travelled to Europe on a 16 hour journey by air with 4-5 hors added for the time for reporting and the clearance before coming out of the airport at the end. There are smoking lounges in some airports but I was ignorant of such facilities. I was under constant stress that something will ignite me during the course and I will burst out with all the paint up vengeance. During the extended hours in my medical practice, a buzz starts humming in my head. The extra-ordinary professional coolness, for which I boast myself, starts cracking. I begin behaving erratically. At such times, I take break, saying I have to go for a home visit. I fly to a tea house, because during last few years the restaurants around do not permit smoking. I relish my cigarette with a badly concocted tea at the lousy tea vendor and come back with the buzz in my head comfortably calmed down.
I understand this is an extreme case of Nicotine dependence. I have tried counseling, medicines, chewing gums, antidepressants, sedatives, even homeopathy and Dr. Bakh’s medicines also. All went in vain. I realize that this habit has to go.
Everyday I think I will quit on next Monday, first of next month, from Dasara, Gudhi Padva, my birthday; but alas I cannot do it every time I plan. I feel strongly and sturdily to quit, before it is too late.
Please pray for me and help me if you can.
